Thank you 

Thank you for letting me down easy. I have spent so much time hoping for our friendship again. Hoping that we can go back to old us. The truth is we can’t. And you’re right maybe after all of this were just better off this way. I appreciate all the time we did spend together. All I have learned from you. All the pieces of me that I developed through our friendship. I will always care. 

But I haven’t been grateful enough of the people I do have in my life. So here’s to them and all the great things they bring to my life. 

Stephanie, my beautiful friend. You have been my biggest support. You never let your own bias get in the way of what I want. You have always been such a positive person in my life. For that I am so thankful to have you in my life. 

Alex, the man I have learned the most from. You know me better than  almost anyone. Even after months apart I still can talk to you about anything and everything. I appreciate you always being open to my weirdness. I will never grow bored of driving down a dark road with you in my passenger seat & the newest playlist coming through my speakers. 

Alison, my oldest friend. You’re the most honest, caring, & loving soul I’ve ever met. You tell me the hard truth when you know I need it but still stand by me in my decisions. I’ve never felt safer knowing that you’re just a call or text away and you’d always be there. 

I love you all. I am so lucky to have these similar but very different people in my life. My homework for myself is to tell the ones I love that I appreciate them.. and why I appreciate them. 

What is happiness? 

Lately I’ve been playing music every moment I can. I stand in front of the mirror before a shower and dance like an idiot. I sing so loud driving in the truck I’m sure the passengers in cars around me will hear. There’s a little skip in my step. 

Happiness is an effortless smile on my face. Happiness is feeling comfortable in my own decisions. Happiness is loving myself for every curve, stretch mark, and roll. Happiness is not looking for someone else to tell me I’m beautiful because I already know I am. 

I deserve to be loved not controlled

You were suppose to protect me. It wasn’t suppose to be me. I should’ve stayed a little girl. Instead I became the parent. I resent you everyday for making me be the responsible one at that age. I resent you for breaking my little girl heart. And now… I chose this big strong man to protect me but instead of protecting me he broke me down. Made me feel weak. Stupid. Useless. Unlovable. I look for someone else to be proud of me because I need reassurance. My own father told me I was a piece of shit. So why would I choose anything less from a significant other? Why don’t I flinch when he calls me a whore? Bitch? Every time I think I’ve escaped your control I waltz into something else. Why? Why do I do that? Why don’t I feel like I deserve to be loved? 

“I’m sorry I can’t be perfect” 

So this blog today is something I wrote in my notes a couple months back. It’s unedited. Just straight up harsh feelings.  

From the day I was born I looked at you like you were my superhero. You did everything for me. You kissed my boo boo’s better, taught me math, and walked me to school. You worked your ass off so I had a roof over my head, food in my belly, & heat to keep me warm at night. I wrote about you in every possible assignment at school of how cool my dad was. My dad. My hero. And then I started to grow up and became aware of the imperfections that my super hero parents had. Yet I still looked at you like you carried the entire world in your hands. I gave you the benefit of the doubt for so many years… Way more than I should’ve to be honest. I never even needed you to be my hero… That’s what I have myself for. But I needed you to show me & set me up for the future. Things like How a man should treat me, set myself up for owning my own home/condo, how to fix a flat tire, and to show me that I am worth so much more than I tell myself. I’m not saying you haven’t taught me anything cause of course you did. You showed me how I should be treated by the way you treated my mother & every other woman in your entire life. Which lets be honest here… You didn’t do such a good job at that part. You have put me down my entire life & made me feel like I am not good enough. Like I can’t do anything I want to do. I have 0 confidence. I don’t fully blame you but you’re a huge part of that. And seriously… I don’t even know how to change a flat tire. I know I’ve put you down a lot in my life but you learn from your surroundings. Abuse is not a joke and it’s not only physical. You have mentally abused & bullied me my entire life. You took advantage of the fact that I would do anything for you. Especially after my mom left you. I moved in with you and took care of you. All I got was your drunken anger tearing my room apart & having me leave at 2 in the morning terrified of you. I’m never going to send this to you but maybe it will help me get something off my chest. Maybe it will help me from feeling so guilty when I finally decide to never talk to you again. I am not a piece of shit. I am not unworthy of love and I WILL make it somewhere in life. I will go and do whatever the fuck I want. And I will not let you and your alcoholism hold me back. And as many times as you have told me that you don’t need me… You do need me. And when you finally realize it… I won’t be around because I don’t need you.