Presence.

Presence;  A person or thing that exists or is present in a place but not seen

You have been gone for so many years now and I have never felt a presence. I’m not entirely sure I believe that’s even possible. I do however have something that makes me believe you’re watching over me. I recently moved to Surrey. Along my drive to and from work I see a hawk hanging along the golden ears way. There’s only ever one along the stretch to work. I call him Robert. Some day’s I think I’m crazy but most I know it’s you watching over me. Half the time he’s only there on the days I really need him to be there. For example, I was going with my Nana to look at a few places for her to rent. We’ve both been highly stressed since we found out she needs to move at the end of January. Obviously her more than I. I kept wishing that someone from those two houses that day would agree to my Nana moving in and the worry would be over. As I was driving to meet up with her, there you were. Sitting on the light post letting me know that all is going to be just fine. Sure enough it was. The second place we looked at were ecstatic to take my Nana into their beautiful suite. I almost cried in excitement that they had said yes and my wonderful Nana could no longer worry about the biggest part of her next few months. The packing, the moving, the re arranging was nothing compared to the sleepless nights she had thinking she’d end up homeless. As if anyone would let that happen.

403140_10150453568538177_1608978236_n
Thank you, Uncle Robert. For always being there. Then and even now when you’re no longer with us.
“You’ll always be with me, like a handprint on my heart”

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Home.

homesweet home

Do you know what it’s like to feel excited to come home to someone? I hadn’t until you. I never had a place that felt 100% home until you. I don’t even have all of my things moved in yet and I already feel this way. There’s that quote about home being a feeling and a set of arms not a place. You’re home.

“Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.”

                                                                          

Lesson

scas

Lesson
an amount of teaching given at one time; a period of learning or teaching.

How is a person suppose to learn any lessons with their mom always there to fix their mistakes? How is a person suppose to grow up to be a functioning adult? I don’t fully blame you for them being unable to actually get through in life but I can see where you have hindered them. I also completely understand the motherly love instincts and not being able to let your children hit rock bottom. Have you ever thought that it’s possible that it’s necessary in this specific situation? Maybe looking for some actual professional help instead of you stressing yourself by becoming his security guard to stop him from doing drugs would help. What do you think? I know I don’t have all the answers but the way this is being handled is ridiculous. Why do people try so hard to not talk about their shit? How hard is it to express to someone, whether you know them or not, that you’re struggling with your mind? That you can’t cope on your own? That makes it sound so easy even though I know it is not. I am an independent person and hate asking for help but… you can’t thrive in this life if you can’t let go of the past. Isn’t that how addiction comes about anyways? Hiding from the shit in your head? Drink for happiness. Drugs to forget. Food for comfort. Nobody seems to realize how remarkable it is to express to someone who has taken copious amounts of schooling to work with the human mind. They’re there to help you with your mind. How to cope. What tools to use in what situation. I also am aware that I am more open minded then most people in this world. Especially when it comes to speaking to professional help. I just can’t watch my mother struggle with anxiety, depression, and stress because she’s watching my brother struggle with depression, drug problems, and loneliness. Nobody is taking control of the situation. All I get is constant stress, tears, and endless conversations about the same damn thing over and over again. Then I have thoughts like… what about me? I know my brothers are struggling and I am not but what about me? How am I doing? What’s new with me? Every time I even talk to my mother whether it’s talk or voice call it’s about one of my brothers. If not them it’s her problems. What about my problems? What about my fucking problems? I guess that’s why I have been blessed with an amazing boyfriend. To help me cope with the fact that my family is a handful.

Tuesday night thoughts

a26d26552c677c9abd9fd9d6bb8eaea3--intelligent-people-sentiment

Today I went back in my note’s from almost 2 years ago. It’s crazy to actually see the difference in myself through my own words. I know that I am different, that I am happy but it’s a whole new thing actually seeing proof of it. I feel as if I didn’t try that hard to get myself out of that place. As if at anytime that me could come right back and fuck everything up all over again. I’ve always been a positive person but there was a time I couldn’t keep up with my old positive charms. It was completely gone from me. I lost all hope with everything that was going on around me. I couldn’t trust myself and my own decisions. I honestly don’t blame you for taking all of that away from me because it was very clearly my own fault for letting myself lose so much. After being in a relationship for three years then losing it all and having to find yourself again. I know I didn’t take the most accessible route but I am finally through it. Don’t get me wrong I have a hell of a long way to go but I am content finding out more in the position I currently am.

“If you don’t like the fruits you are growing, then change the seeds you are sowing.”

 

 

We.

We. That’s what he told me last night. That WE would fix my truck together. That’s just what we are now. We’re a team. I love every single thing about that. I love that he’s there to help me through any bump in the road. Just as I would for him. I’ve honestly never really had that in a relationship. It’s always been me helping them and me helping me. Never WE helping each other. We really do make a damn good team.

Confidence: Day 3

Undoing false beliefs

Today’s homework is to create 20 positive statements about myself. There are some rules though. 1) Must start with an “I” 2) Must make them present tense by using “am”, “feel” etc. 3) Must include only positive words

  1. I am extremely caring
  2. I am always kind
  3. I am fantastic hard worker
  4. I am lovable
  5. I am fun to be around
  6. I am knowledgeable
  7. I am a fast learner
  8. I am great at my job
  9. I am always willing to learn
  10. I am a great cook
  11. I am passionate about helping people
  12. I am an emotional being
  13. I have understanding about myself and why I do things
  14. I have a beautiful smile
  15. I am allowed to make mistakes
  16. I am continuously growing
  17. I am thoughtful
  18. I am selfless
  19. I am giving it my full effort always
  20. I am strong, independent, and 100% me

I’m going to be super honest. This lesson was hard. I got about halfway down and started doubting my answers. I started wanting to change them from great to good. I was trying to think of excuses for why I was writing certain positive remarks. They don’t need a excuse or reason. This was definitely a great lesson for me and all my doubting.

 

 

Confidence: Day 2

Today’s lesson is about shattering beliefs that are not true. Belief’s that you have picked up from friends, family, media, etc. This is one that I think will really help me on this confidence journey because when someone says something to me it sticks. Especially if the person means a lot to me.

So In today’s lesson I have been given a list that I have to write beside it if I believe it’s true or false.

I must be loved or liked by everyone.  False
I must be perfect in all I do.  False
It’s difficult to change. True
I have little control over what happens to me.  False
It is easier to avoid facing difficulties than to deal with them.  False
Disagreement and conflict are a disaster and should be avoided at all cost.  True
People, including me do not change.  False
Some people are always good and some are always bad.  False
People are fragile and should be protected from the truth. False
Somewhere there is the perfect job, the perfect solution, the perfect partner and I all need to do is search for them.     False

I put true for “It’s difficult to change” because I have always struggled with it. I reach a point and give up. I don’t fully believe that I should avoid disagreements and conflicts because I understand things need to be dealt with I just don’t like conflict in general. It makes me extremely anxious.  All in all, I am very happy to see how many things I answered false too.  It honestly proves to me how far I have come since a year or so ago before I started seeing my counsellor.

Now this lesson has two sets of assignments.

In the space below write 10 things you like and love about yourself

  1. I like my smile
  2. I like my gentleness
  3. I love my ability to laugh in hard times
  4. I love my eyes
  5. I like my sensitivities
  6. I love how strong I am
  7. I like how understanding I am
  8. I love that I can notice my actions and why I am doing them
  9. I like how I am always ready to learn something new
  10. I love my courage

Now write down 3 limiting beliefs you have about you and your life

  1. I’m never enough. No matter how hard I try.
  2. I am way too emotional. No man wants that in a woman.
  3. I will always fuck it up.

Now answer these questions about each belief.

Is this 100% true?
Is this accurate?
Where did I get this belief?
What if its not the truth, but only truth as you believe it to be?

I am going to write specifically on #1. No this is not 100% true. It is also not accurate because I am enough for the right person. I mostly got this belief from my father never being happy in anything I do. There’s always something I’m doing wrong. Of course it’s not the truth but it’s so embedded into my head I can’t change it.