Labyrinth

 

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“The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.
– John Green

This has always been my favorite quote so much to the point that I have a shorter version permanently on my body.  I wish that my father would forgive then maybe he could finally work his way out of the alcoholism labyrinth that he has lost himself in. The life you live is nothing but your own string of decisions and where they lead you. Specifically is how you let what people do to you, good and bad, effect your life. Whether that be now or in the long run. What happens if you never express and forgive for the wrong that has been done to you? You keep it inside you, boiling until it finally implodes on you. Even then it doesn’t go away. Bursting doesn’t always solve the things that have festered inside of you. I just wish my father would give up his stubborn exterior and give in to speaking those feelings. Whatever it is that has him turning to the bottle for support.

How do we survive as opposed to escaping the labyrinth of suffering? Is forgiving an escape or is it a way to survive until you find the end of the labyrinth?

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Just some thoughts to you

You know who you are

I ran into an old friends mother today at work. She let me know you moved out together. I don’t know much about whats going on in your life but you seem genuinely happy. It makes me cry to think you’re doing so good and are so happy. Not in a jealous or envious kind of way but because I have always wanted nothing less than happiness for you. I think of you constantly and all the things I want to express to you. I hope that you stay positive even in the slightest through all of life’s hardships. In some ways I hope that you’ll read this and know it’s about you. My best friend, no matter what. You’re always that in my mind. I also hope to one day meet for coffee and talk about all the amazing things happening in our lives. I know there’s got to be lots in both of our lives. Honestly, I just want to know your happy. I sure am. Anyways, I just wish that everything beautiful, fantastic, and wonderful in this world comes your way. You deserve it all.

Love from your former best friend

 

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Useless 

I’m sitting at the doctor and this man is here bringing his mom to the doctors. Holds her arm as they walk in and helps her sit. Even though my nana obviously doesn’t need that kind of help. I wish my dad was that kind of son for his mom. She deserves the entire world and he’s giving her the shit end of the deal living with him. I had to take her to the hospital anytime there was an emergency. Not that I complain at all I’d do anything for her… but why isn’t it the same for him. 

This is real. 


When I was younger I use to listen to rascal flatts songs and wonder about the day I’d feel that way about someone. And here it is. Here you are. Everything that had happened in my life has lead me to the moment I would meet you. It’s so silly and it sounds so cliche but these songs finally make sense to me. 

Addiction 


Growing up I always thought if I could just write the perfect set of words or say the perfect thing that I’d be able to talk you into quitting. I was never successful. Time after time I was disappointed in myself when I should’ve been disappointed in you. 

Opening up about my vulnerability

I found this blurb of thoughts and feelings in my drafts. I don’t necessarily feel this heavy anymore but felt like it was something I should share either way.


Okay, so I’m not as put together as I try to seem. I’ve been hiding my vulnerability from you. My anxiety, my depressive states, my over thinking. I’m scared that if you see these pieces of me you will think I am childish. But the thing is… my mind takes control of the wheel sometimes.  These are my faults and they’re a part of me. I have to deal with that. You have to deal with that. And this shit all comes back to my fucking father. I had worked so hard with my counselor on these overbearing thoughts and this need for validation. I was doing fantastic but then I let my dad back into my life more than ever. And it began again. The drunk harassing texts. Letting me know that my thoughts are true. I really am worthless after all. And of course that shit fucks me up. It’s my fucking father. The person who should be building me up was just digging my grave. I should know from my past relationships that hearing the words mean nothing unless the person actually shows and means it. And maybes it’s just because I see you less so I have more time to over think than usual and less actions of love to feel. “He’s happy to have space from you” my mind tells me. You would just roll your eyes at shit like that because you know it’s not true. But I don’t. My mind doesn’t. So as much as I’d like to hide this shitty part of me. I need to be my whole self with you. I need to feel safe in my vulnerability. And if this scares you off then so be it because obviously it wasn’t mean to be. I’m not the most fucked up person out there. I’m still a decent human being who deserves love.