I’m sitting at the doctor and this man is here bringing his mom to the doctors. Holds her arm as they walk in and helps her sit. Even though my nana obviously doesn’t need that kind of help. I wish my dad was that kind of son for his mom. She deserves the entire world and he’s giving her the shit end of the deal living with him. I had to take her to the hospital anytime there was an emergency. Not that I complain at all I’d do anything for her… but why isn’t it the same for him.
When I was younger I use to listen to rascal flatts songs and wonder about the day I’d feel that way about someone. And here it is. Here you are. Everything that had happened in my life has lead me to the moment I would meet you. It’s so silly and it sounds so cliche but these songs finally make sense to me.
I found this blurb of thoughts and feelings in my drafts. I don’t necessarily feel this heavy anymore but felt like it was something I should share either way.
Okay, so I’m not as put together as I try to seem. I’ve been hiding my vulnerability from you. My anxiety, my depressive states, my over thinking. I’m scared that if you see these pieces of me you will think I am childish. But the thing is… my mind takes control of the wheel sometimes. These are my faults and they’re a part of me. I have to deal with that. You have to deal with that. And this shit all comes back to my fucking father. I had worked so hard with my counselor on these overbearing thoughts and this need for validation. I was doing fantastic but then I let my dad back into my life more than ever. And it began again. The drunk harassing texts. Letting me know that my thoughts are true. I really am worthless after all. And of course that shit fucks me up. It’s my fucking father. The person who should be building me up was just digging my grave. I should know from my past relationships that hearing the words mean nothing unless the person actually shows and means it. And maybes it’s just because I see you less so I have more time to over think than usual and less actions of love to feel. “He’s happy to have space from you” my mind tells me. You would just roll your eyes at shit like that because you know it’s not true. But I don’t. My mind doesn’t. So as much as I’d like to hide this shitty part of me. I need to be my whole self with you. I need to feel safe in my vulnerability. And if this scares you off then so be it because obviously it wasn’t mean to be. I’m not the most fucked up person out there. I’m still a decent human being who deserves love.
“Love is not about how much you say I love you but how much you prove it’s true”
It’s the little things that mean the most in a relationship. He isn’t the greatest at expressing love verbally but he sure does show it. In the way he touches me. In the way he brings me home my favorite bottle of wine. In the way he tells me to let him know when I get home safe. It’s always there in his actions. It use to bother me because I always need reassurance but he reassures me all the time. With just a simple touch of my lower back as he walks by or even a small kiss on my forehead. I’ve never felt that kind of love. It’s not necessary to always express it verbally. Actions speak louder than words.
I had no autonomy with you. Even when I asked you to stop smacking my ass. It was “no, its mine.” So you do what you want with me leaving me no say. You use to initiate something sexual and if I didn’t want to it turned into this huge argument. That or I got cold shoulder for the rest of the night for not “pleasing my man.” If I forgot to tell you I love you or didn’t call you by the right name. I was made to feel bad about these things. So I started doing and saying things just to keep you happy and stop the arguments from happening. That’s not right. That’s not a relationship. It makes me sick to my stomach to think I just let that happen. I stayed in that unhealthy mess. I lost so much of myself. For that I will never be able to forgive myself.
I wish I could stop all my anxiety & over thinking. It makes me feel so needy. I constantly need reassurance because I don’t feel good enough. The worst part is I was working so hard on that with my counsellor. Then what? I stopped going because I was in a terrible relationship. That just made my overthinking, anxiety, & self consciousness worse.
I’ve met this incredible guy. There’s one problem… he’s not the greatest at expressing his emotions. Which I’m fine with majority of the time… except when I start getting self doubts. When I start questioning things. Is he bored of me? Do I annoy him? I’m starting to seem too young to him. He honestly treats me so damn well. I’m too afraid to even open up about my anxiety with those things. Then I’ll seem even more young and immature. That’s the last thing my anxiety needs another reason to worry.