Today I went back in my note’s from almost 2 years ago. It’s crazy to actually see the difference in myself through my own words. I know that I am different, that I am happy but it’s a whole new thing actually seeing proof of it. I feel as if I didn’t try that hard to get myself out of that place. As if at anytime that me could come right back and fuck everything up all over again. I’ve always been a positive person but there was a time I couldn’t keep up with my old positive charms. It was completely gone from me. I lost all hope with everything that was going on around me. I couldn’t trust myself and my own decisions. I honestly don’t blame you for taking all of that away from me because it was very clearly my own fault for letting myself lose so much. After being in a relationship for three years then losing it all and having to find yourself again. I know I didn’t take the most accessible route but I am finally through it. Don’t get me wrong I have a hell of a long way to go but I am content finding out more in the position I currently am.
“If you don’t like the fruits you are growing, then change the seeds you are sowing.”
We. That’s what he told me last night. That WE would fix my truck together. That’s just what we are now. We’re a team. I love every single thing about that. I love that he’s there to help me through any bump in the road. Just as I would for him. I’ve honestly never really had that in a relationship. It’s always been me helping them and me helping me. Never WE helping each other. We really do make a damn good team.
Undoing false beliefs
Today’s homework is to create 20 positive statements about myself. There are some rules though. 1) Must start with an “I” 2) Must make them present tense by using “am”, “feel” etc. 3) Must include only positive words
- I am extremely caring
- I am always kind
- I am fantastic hard worker
- I am lovable
- I am fun to be around
- I am knowledgeable
- I am a fast learner
- I am great at my job
- I am always willing to learn
- I am a great cook
- I am passionate about helping people
- I am an emotional being
- I have understanding about myself and why I do things
- I have a beautiful smile
- I am allowed to make mistakes
- I am continuously growing
- I am thoughtful
- I am selfless
- I am giving it my full effort always
- I am strong, independent, and 100% me
I’m going to be super honest. This lesson was hard. I got about halfway down and started doubting my answers. I started wanting to change them from great to good. I was trying to think of excuses for why I was writing certain positive remarks. They don’t need a excuse or reason. This was definitely a great lesson for me and all my doubting.
Today’s lesson is about shattering beliefs that are not true. Belief’s that you have picked up from friends, family, media, etc. This is one that I think will really help me on this confidence journey because when someone says something to me it sticks. Especially if the person means a lot to me.
So In today’s lesson I have been given a list that I have to write beside it if I believe it’s true or false.
I must be loved or liked by everyone. False
I must be perfect in all I do. False
It’s difficult to change. True
I have little control over what happens to me. False
It is easier to avoid facing difficulties than to deal with them. False
Disagreement and conflict are a disaster and should be avoided at all cost. True
People, including me do not change. False
Some people are always good and some are always bad. False
People are fragile and should be protected from the truth. False
Somewhere there is the perfect job, the perfect solution, the perfect partner and I all need to do is search for them. False
I put true for “It’s difficult to change” because I have always struggled with it. I reach a point and give up. I don’t fully believe that I should avoid disagreements and conflicts because I understand things need to be dealt with I just don’t like conflict in general. It makes me extremely anxious. All in all, I am very happy to see how many things I answered false too. It honestly proves to me how far I have come since a year or so ago before I started seeing my counsellor.
Now this lesson has two sets of assignments.
In the space below write 10 things you like and love about yourself
- I like my smile
- I like my gentleness
- I love my ability to laugh in hard times
- I love my eyes
- I like my sensitivities
- I love how strong I am
- I like how understanding I am
- I love that I can notice my actions and why I am doing them
- I like how I am always ready to learn something new
- I love my courage
Now write down 3 limiting beliefs you have about you and your life
- I’m never enough. No matter how hard I try.
- I am way too emotional. No man wants that in a woman.
- I will always fuck it up.
Now answer these questions about each belief.
Is this 100% true?
Is this accurate?
Where did I get this belief?
What if its not the truth, but only truth as you believe it to be?
I am going to write specifically on #1. No this is not 100% true. It is also not accurate because I am enough for the right person. I mostly got this belief from my father never being happy in anything I do. There’s always something I’m doing wrong. Of course it’s not the truth but it’s so embedded into my head I can’t change it.
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
Growing up I pictured marriage, buying a home, and children. These things have changed over the years but I can’t seem to let go of marriage. My parents got divorced when I was about 10 and my mother has been married three times. Yet I still want to get married to the right person. A girl dreams of a white dress, the perfect venue, the cake, the bridesmaids dresses, and last of all the man you walk down the aisle towards. Even though I have always dreamed of this I have never met anyone that I actually could picture this with. Now here I am seeing the most amazing man I have ever met. Picturing spending the rest of my life with him. He has no interest in marriage or kids. Honestly the kids part doesn’t even effect me because why would I want to bring kids up in this world? I finally meet someone that I can picture marrying and he doesn’t have an inch of interest. I keep putting it to the side. Leaving it in the back of my mind for another day. We’ve had a drunken conversation one night where he said he’d get married if that’s what I wanted. Any other time when marriage is brought up even in a joking sense he reminds me that he doesn’t want to get married. Ever. I keep thinking that this is something that he may change his mind on. At the same time is it something that I can change? Wanting to get married. Is it really that big of a deal? Some piece of paper stating that we’re married. It’s not permanent because people get divorced all the damn time.
“The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.
– John Green
This has always been my favorite quote so much to the point that I have a shorter version permanently on my body. I wish that my father would forgive then maybe he could finally work his way out of the alcoholism labyrinth that he has lost himself in. The life you live is nothing but your own string of decisions and where they lead you. Specifically is how you let what people do to you, good and bad, effect your life. Whether that be now or in the long run. What happens if you never express and forgive for the wrong that has been done to you? You keep it inside you, boiling until it finally implodes on you. Even then it doesn’t go away. Bursting doesn’t always solve the things that have festered inside of you. I just wish my father would give up his stubborn exterior and give in to speaking those feelings. Whatever it is that has him turning to the bottle for support.
How do we survive as opposed to escaping the labyrinth of suffering? Is forgiving an escape or is it a way to survive until you find the end of the labyrinth?