Useless 

I’m sitting at the doctor and this man is here bringing his mom to the doctors. Holds her arm as they walk in and helps her sit. Even though my nana obviously doesn’t need that kind of help. I wish my dad was that kind of son for his mom. She deserves the entire world and he’s giving her the shit end of the deal living with him. I had to take her to the hospital anytime there was an emergency. Not that I complain at all I’d do anything for her… but why isn’t it the same for him. 

This is real. 


When I was younger I use to listen to rascal flatts songs and wonder about the day I’d feel that way about someone. And here it is. Here you are. Everything that had happened in my life has lead me to the moment I would meet you. It’s so silly and it sounds so cliche but these songs finally make sense to me. 

Addiction 


Growing up I always thought if I could just write the perfect set of words or say the perfect thing that I’d be able to talk you into quitting. I was never successful. Time after time I was disappointed in myself when I should’ve been disappointed in you. 

Actions speak louder than words

“Love is not about how much you say I love you but how much you prove it’s true” 

It’s the little things that mean the most in a relationship. He isn’t the greatest at expressing love verbally but he sure does show it. In the way he touches me. In the way he brings me home my favourite bottle of wine. In the way he tells me to let him know when I get home safe. It’s always there in his actions. It use to bother me because I always need reassurance but he reassures me all the time. With just a simple touch of my lower back as he walks by or even a small kiss on my forehead. I’ve never felt that kind of love. It’s not necessary to always express it verbally. Actions speak louder than words. 

You fucked me up 


I had no autonomy with you. Even when I asked you to stop smacking my ass. It was “no, its mine.” So you do what you want with me leaving me no say. You use to initiate something sexual and if I didn’t want to it turned into this huge argument. That or I got cold shoulder for the rest of the night for not “pleasing my man.” If I forgot to tell you I love you or didn’t call you by the right name. I was made to feel bad about these things. So I started doing and saying things just to keep you happy and stop the arguments from happening. That’s not right. That’s not a relationship. It makes me sick to my stomach to think I just let that happen. I stayed in that unhealthy mess. I lost so much of myself. For that I will never be able to forgive myself. 

10 things that make me happy

1• Aya

2• Music 🎶

Music makes me feel so many different emotions. I love that there’s always music to be discovered whether that be old or new.

3• Organization

It makes me feel so good when things are clean and organized. I love organizational things even if they’re unnecessary.

4• All animals

I work at a pet store in a management position. I get to see dogs, cats, birds, hamsters, reptiles, & fish on a regular basis. I just love animals and my job.

5• My boyfriend

So cliche but he makes me so damn happy. He always shows he cares by doing certain things. He puts up with my craziness. I have been a different person since I met him. I’m still me but the smile on my face has grown.

6• My family


7• Beautiful days!

8• Late night drives

Great music blasted, best friend in the passenger seat, & no destination in sight.

9• Singing 🎤

Singing along to my favourite songs make mes so happy. Singing with friends. Singing in the car. Singing in the shower. Singing anywhere anytime.

10• Seeing others happy

Quick thoughts about my relationship anxiety 

I wish I could stop all my anxiety & over thinking. It makes me feel so needy. I constantly need reassurance because I don’t feel good enough. The worst part is I was working so hard on that with my counsellor. Then what? I stopped going because I was in a terrible relationship. That just made my overthinking, anxiety, & self consciousness worse. 

I’ve met this incredible guy. There’s one problem… he’s not the greatest at expressing his emotions. Which I’m fine with majority of the time… except when I start getting self doubts. When I start questioning things. Is he bored of me? Do I annoy him? I’m starting to seem too young to him. He honestly treats me so damn well. I’m too afraid to even open up about my anxiety with those things. Then I’ll seem even more young and immature. That’s the last thing my anxiety needs another reason to worry.